So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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