she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
