He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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