Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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