Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
