There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
