Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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