We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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