During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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