omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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