Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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