My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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