When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
