i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
