I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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