thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
