God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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