we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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