i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
