that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
