Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
