At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
