i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
