tonight lets celebrate not being married
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
