I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
