conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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