My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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