I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
