i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
