i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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