Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
