is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
