Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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