I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
