One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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