The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
