Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
