The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
