Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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