Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
