I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize