Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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