she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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