After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
that's an acceptable place to lick
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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