First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
