he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
