We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
