pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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