So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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