i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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