Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
